Good Mornings and things of this week

I so enjoy mornings.
I enjoy the sound of coffee beans grinding in my little handheld grinder.  (sorry, keurig folks, but you are MISSING OUT!)  I love the aroma of the fresh raw beans followed by their being turned into the coffee I so enjoy.

this morning before getting out of bed, I wished that I could close my eyes and wake up tomorrow morning in my Charlotte condo.  I would love to go sit on my deck all alone and spend half the day reading and blogging over coffee.  I miss the open sky and hearing the golfers on whole 9 here and there as they came around. I miss the clean whiteness and space of my condo. that would be amazing to just get that for one day, but that is gone forever, from what I know.

this week I had to get a cake, oh yes, you recall, for one of my coworker's birthdays. I had my first female cab driver.  She was very friendly. I kinda loved that, though I wonder what her story is.  maybe she always wanted to drive a cab or maybe she just has a lot of mouths to feed. maybe she is thebomb.com of her family.  She was middle-aged and did a great job...I mean she pulled the same stunt the rest of them do on my kind self when you can't make a certain turn, they say "is it alright if i just drop you off here at this corner since I can't make a turn on this street?"  I don't know why they do that.  It makes the most sense to me to just do what the person asked exactly b/c they still get paid while it's ticking even if they have to take me 4 blocks around to pull in front of where I requested.  Sometimes I think they don't want to end going in whichever direction that would take them. I don't know.

This week my NASCAR friends are back in Daytona.  waking up to a sorta-drunk text from Ash and Dharmay set my morning off right.  I mean it was 12:50am or something, so, if I remember correctly with the party starting at 10 or 11pm...they wouldn't be THAT drunk right?!  :-) such fond memories of Daytona and the g.m.r. party.  I'm glad I blogged a lot around those times. I should go back and remember.  I'll be thinking of my friends working their butts off over this big kickoff weekend to the season.  So much hard work and fun play!

this week also, the french boss's mom came to the office.  I excitedly greeted her.  She wasn't overly joyful, but I thought she was great.  I was so giddy to meet her as she had to come pick up his keys at the office.  I think it's because I know so little about most the people I work with, but when you meet someone's family, it's automatically sorta a peek into their soul.  Come to find out, he does not like his mom at all.  Yesterday, I was thanking him again for letting me meet his mom.  (i know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but I guess it goes to show how little I have gotten to know these people even though I try.)  He said, something to the extent of, he doesn't even like to be around her or near her it just creeps him out (i forget the wording he used), but I totally understand.  I am not close with my dad at all and haven't been, so I totally get it.  I don't know at all his story and am quite curious what makes a person feel this way - though, I'm sure, at this point it's just a life of whatever the situation is/was.  I love my dad and spend time with Him because I know it's what God calls me to do.  As a person, he has given me no reason to do this.  One may argue that it's poor if it's out of obligation, but over time, as I continue to press on, God softens my heart and opens my eyes.  This doesn't clear things away, but it helps me to understand that I'm not just choosing to love out of vain or to follow a rule that God has set before us, but I actually believe God can change hearts - both mine and my dad's.

I told my boss yesterday that I totally get it. I said, you know, why is it though if I told you I felt the same way about my dad, then I would be weird or have issues.  He said that he would "get that."  In my mind, I thought, wow, human connection there.  You know how girls are said to have "daddy issues" and that term can be thrown around some time.  and also, growing up in the south, the idea to be "daddy's little girl" just never was, so you don't really want to broadcast..."hello, i'm different and that's not my life."

then it crosses my mind as it does sometimes, wow, what if we were all okay with saying we're broken, saying we have issues.  Let's show our wounds and our scars.  But I get it, that's naive thinking that would happen and honestly, we all prefer to see a pretty package with a bow on top - being our lives and what we want people to think of them.

This whole thing was just a good part of the week for me.  I also laughed insanely when, in my excitement, as I was saying goodbye as they walked to the elevator, I am all "it was SOO NICE to meet you.  come back again if you like."

then I thought DOEEEGHGH!!! I wasn't supposed to tell her to come back I'm sure.
I broke into giddy laughter.
not cool. not playing it cool at all.
you're not supposed to say to someone that your friend doesn't like to come back.  I invited her back.
though I'm sure she won't come, I was hysterical b/c i just thought it was so funny.

I told him this.  He said "i'm glad you're so amused by this"
that's okay. I think the amusement in his life and the rest of these people in office has gone up by leaps and bounds since I've been around.  I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not the life of the party, but surely the joy has increased.

...
Yesterday the sun was shining so bright.  Today it's overcast and rainy. I guess I'll carry along my new polkadot umbrella.

I didn't go to the gym this morning.  I wasn't even that tired, I just couldn't pull myself out of bed.  #ohwell.  I go a body sculpt - strength training class on Friday at lunch that I really enjoy so I will do that.  Did I tell you that I told the instructor that I should get his name written on my tush?!  I did.  I am in so much pain sometimes in that class as I do the exercises and push myself to work my muscles.  I thought, when my butt looks awesome, it will all be due to his class.  mmm..so I told him this.  that I was considering getting his name tattooed on my ass because he is going to own it.
inappropriate? no? okay, yes?  shrugs, it happened.

...
Tuesday night was comedy show at Sweet with a group of different friends - one of my coworkers, a friend of a friend, my roomie and one of her friends.  A guy from SNL, Will Forte, was playing co-host with Seth Herzog.  we got there early and got half off the amazing old-style cocktails.  This means we got to hang out and chat a bit before going downstairs to the lil basement for the comedy show.  It was great as always.  laughed so hard!!  just need to laugh in this city and that provides it.  for $5, can't beat it!  next Tuesday is already on the books!

oh and bowling league.  did I tell you that I joined a bowling league with my friend michelle and two of her friends?!  it's in brooklyn on wednesday night.  the kickoff party is in 2 weeks, I think.  It will be like when I was in skeeball league :-) except that I won't know several of the teams and I, hopefully, won't have to ever wear a tacky Christmas sweater and freak people out with an anxiety attack over getting out of the car wearing tacky Christmas sweater. Our team name is "STRIKE a pose"... get it?! get it?! :-) i'll have to post a team pic when we get our shirts!

I hope you have the best Friday, and if you're read this far. i love you.  if you stopped at the title and skimmed to the bottom I love you too.  how blessed are we to have THIS friday?!  mmhmm.

You are worth it.

This morning, this crossed my mind or God put it in my heart, however you like to call it. 

One of the great things about God is that every day, always, He says that we are worth it, that we are worthy of His love and attention. 

Every day the world can bring us down. 

We work jobs where people don't think we are worth the promotion.  Whatever the reason, there is someone better or someone who just stands out more. 

We get in relationships that fail where on one end someone wasn't worth the time or effort. 

We can look in the mirror and see the image staring back and think - not worthy of a lot of things - attention, love, change. 

We're not worth it because we aren't smart enough. creative enough.  simple enough. funny enough.  dumb enough.  whatever the many things are that the world reminds us daily that we aren't or that we should be for someone or something...

But fantastically, remarkably, extraordinarily, God always says that we are worth it.  Every time. We are worth His love today.  Every day, we were worth God sending His son Jesus to the cross in hopes that we would find His great love and be together with Him. 

God finds us worth everything...more than everything...every day.  

I am [there is no adverb (it is an adverb, right?) big enough to go in front of how]  grateful this makes me.

Gosh, if people knew this, how could they not love God?!  every day, every one says we aren't worth it in some word or action...but our God every day says that we are totally worth it.  

Incredibly blessed this morning to know that although there are a lot of things that I am not today, there are a lot of ways that I will fail today and every day I'm on this earth after, but that today and each day, I can stand, I can wake up and carry on, in a space knowing that God thinks I am worth it all.  And that is what I will carry with me today. 

How can I fail when I have a God that tells me no matter what happens today or any day, you are worth it?

UNSTOPPABLE because of his unending love and acceptance.  I am worth it today and you are too. 

What do you do when you are 5 steps out the door, late for work, and realize you’re “F U” to winter weather outfit is about 2 inches too short for work???

Ugh.  I hate that!  I hate leaving home and realizing after the fact that I look ridiculous and my dress is too short, or even worse, riding up.  All the ladies know what this is…when your dress literally rises as you walk until the bottom of it is around your waste (NOT WHERE IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE!)  hopefully the riding-up days you are wearing a long jacket, or you will be pulling every 3 feet.  I hate that. 

Today it’s just that as I see myself in the windows as I walk, I can see the bottom of my thigh and it’s just too much!  Mind you, it’s shortest when I am walking seeing like this and I can’t keep pulling down, as opposed to at work when I am walking short distances and my dress stays down.

It’s that cute little thin black dress with the tiers and black buttons up the front.  I am wearing it with my over-the-knee black boots.  My saving grace to this outfit is the colorful ¾ length, collared, dress jacket I am wearing.  It makes my look today at least a little professional. 

I should have at least worn tights. Tights or black leggings always help, then it’s just one long black outfit, instead of my white legs causing a major divide between the black boots and the black dress.  Yes, it does have that whole Julia-robert-pretty-woman flair when you see leg b/t the boot and the dress, but is that really what I should be going for today?!!!

I really did though want to wear a dress with my OTK boots to feel like summer is on its way.  Ahhhh.  Sweet summer.

The other problem with short dresses is you have to be VERY careful about how you move.  My mom did at least teach me this (and she would say my dress was too short for the record!!)  I was just in the kitchen and needed to reach to put a vase up on a high shelf in our cabinet.  Well, there are 2 men working on the floor in the kitchen as the ice machine is broken. 

I’m pretty certain if I would have reached up to put this vase away, they would have gotten a full, free show of my ass.  Too early and too much for a Tuesday morning….so I just set it on the counter…until I can find a tall person to put it up for me, or until I’m sure no one is within 10 feet of the kitchen to see my rear. 

I’ll save myself tomorrow with maybe a skirt suit set, sort of as discipline for my outfit today. Lol.  Too showy one day followed by too grandma-covered another day…in my mind, it makes it even out over the week.  That how it works right?...the law of averages or something. 

oh and I just realize I didn't answer the question.  you don't do anything.  you just go to work because you're already late.  and you hope you don't look too ridiculous, but you spend the majority of the day sitting at your desk where you don't feel exposed.  and you also are very over-sensitive about your movements so as to assure you don't show your tush to anyone.

and you tell yourself that you will wear tights with it next time...until you forget and do the same thing again in a couple of weeks/months.

What to do When Cake Stares You in the Face

As I've sorta mentioned, I think, I have been getting back to healthy again.  I'm as light as I've mostly been ever (within a few pounds of after I did my master cleanse a couple of years ago).  I am working out cardio and doing weights, which I had never done before.  I am trying to keep it up as I would like to come down another 15 pounds, which is definitely do-able, but will not happen without a lot more hard work...and continued hard work and the permanent change in my ways.

I wanted to share this piece that was emailed to me today.  I am on an email list from the website - FearlessStories.com .  sometimes I read them and sometimes the emails get deleted.  I want to live fearlessly.  I am glad I read today's story - What to do when the cake stares you in the face. ...here is the story...

Last week I went to see a friend who'd recently lost some weight. The person I was
with saw our friend's smoking new body and said, "Wow! How'd you do it - it neverworks for me." I pinched her and thought, "Oof. It's not about you." But then I thought"Why hasn't it worked for you?"
I'm guilty of the same stinking thinking: No matter how hard I tried, for almost tenyears of my life, eating healthy just didn't seem manageable for me. I'd drive
myself demented trying to be consistent, but it still came and went just as a phase.
I'd work out, but didn't get the results I really wanted. "What gives?!" I thought. "I'm
doing everything but nothing seems to be working." And this thought process
would have continued had it not been for, ironically, a piece of cake.

Last year I was at the office when one day someone brought in the ultimate chocolate
cake - fudgy, gooey, firm. I was over the moon. I love sweets and this was the jackpot,
but dessert was also my biggest nemesis. So as it often happened, when this cake from God's Bakery arrived, I was in my "only eating healthy" phase.

What's a gal to do?

A little indignant, I ate not only one but two pieces. I didn't want to deny my body
what it naturally craved, right? Meanwhile, a colleague typed away but looked at me
and smiled. I barely registered. Was she enjoying it too? Did she have a slice?

Whatever, I didn't care. I had cake.

I went home after work and caught up on my blogs, one written by the same friend I
worked with. As I read the day's post, the details of a particular scene she described
sounded all too familiar - cake, colleagues, healthy eating efforts. My eyes scanned
wildly and I saw that she had relayed my cake escapade to extrapolate a universal lesson on decision making from it! She used the blunder to show the consequences
of poor decision making; that if you caved when it really mattered, could you ever
really expect to change? She illustrated how a crazy person did the same thing over
and over again but expected different results, and supported it with my cake eating!
I was mortified. To see my actions in the light of day, not to mention on her blog, was
embarrassing! Plus didn't she realize that I also read her blog?

I kept reading. She said how important it was to redefine our behaviors during the
moments that felt okay to cheat or give up on, but which really mattered if we wanted
to see results; That despite our hard work, our efforts didn't matter if in a moment where cake stared us in the face, cake won. She knew how badly I wanted to remain
healthy, not just have a health "phase," so she emphasized that results meant
changing habitual patterns in the right moments, moments that really challenged us,
like in the office that day.  As I kept reading, I still felt disbelief, but started to see why
she had written the post, the lesson that was actually behind it.

I realized that all the Tim Ferriss exercises in the world wouldn't matter if every chance
I got, I chose that piece of chocolate cake. Would anything pay off if the one thing I
consistently did was let bad habits get in my way of progress? Would I fall into the same
trap that had me stuck for years? It was effective to see my behavior reflected through the lens of an honest friend. Right there and then my guilt turned into awareness and
I saw her point. I saw how I deluded myself to think "it never worked for me" when in
fact, it did. It 100% worked. I just stopped myself from seeing it. My body responded
wonderfully well when I ate healthy, danced, remained active, and controlled my stress.
My challenge was to recognize that the pivotal moments, the space I thought didn't matter, was where I actually got the results I wanted. It was that moment that changed
everything.

I've stopped saying "It doesn't work for me" now. Instead, if I want to indulge, I indulge.
The big difference is that I know the pumpkin pie contributes to the bottom line just as
much as the spinach does, and I don't delude myself into thinking it doesn't. That
nuance makes all the difference. The universal lesson I take from this is that sometimes,
you just can't have your cake and eat it too.

I think this idea is so important when it comes to health and deeper things in life.  My coworker Lili and I had this same conversation the other day about a decision I was trying to make.  She was telling me how she read recently in a book that whatever you are, whatever your integrity is, is easier to do and be 100% of the time, then it is to be it 98% of the time.  It's the same as this article how it is the 2% of the time, it is those pivotal moments about who you are and what choices you are going to make (albeit about a piece of cake at the office party or an answer to a work challenge, personal situation or whatever)

I do think you have to be living intentionally though to care about these pivotal moments.  Else, I suppose they still happen, but you don't notice that you are holding them and that your choices can make huge waves in yours or others personal lives.

I also happened to come across this article today, the day before we are having cake at the office tomorrow for Eeyore's (previously known as Aspberger's) birthday.  We ordered his favorite - Red Velvet Cake from Billy's Bakery in Chelsea.

pic from the site...

yes, it is incredibly delicious.  I have a choice tomorrow of having no pieces, half a piece, one piece, 2 or 3!  Yes, there would actually be the option to have 3 pieces because most of the men in our office eat like little girls that are looking forward to bikini season.  It is such an odd thing, but it is so true.  the men are on diets left and right.  it's weird (add that to the list of things weird at my office.)

side note: this means I have been at my office for one full year.  Last year, around his birthday I had just started and had to go get (actually, the same cake) from billy's bakery.  When i went to pick it up, they asked if I wanted something written on the cake.  I was like "ehh..uhhh...yeah that would be great, but these people are weird, they might not like lettering on cakes...ehh..uhh...no"  so this year, I am having "happy birthday [insert eeyore's name]" written in light blue on the top of the cake. let's hope this doesn't blow anyone's mind.

Back to point, I need to make the right decision tomorrow when it comes to a pivotal cake moment.

.... do you think there is any red velvet cake in these legs??

yeah, i don't think so either.
and I mean, she still looks happy right?!  even though the closest thing to red velvet cake she has eaten is probably red peppers.

here's to taking advantage of pivotal moments this week....

Some Thoughts on Camping

I was thinking today of my fond thoughts and memories of camping.  

I think it's because my body and mind need some time under the stars in the middle of nowhere, which I realize is exactly the opposite of what it gets under these city lights. 

I was remembering this morning my summer camping experience in 2002, when I was a camp counselor in upstate New York.  I know I've mentioned it a couple of times, but it popped into my head this morning. 

Think I've mentioned how absolutely wacko the camp was, but in that summer, I was given a sweet friend on my team from Alabama - Rebecca.  She was one of the only other christians there.  Her friend came to work at the camp for the summer also, but couldn't last the summer.  I had the funny thought of us taking our troops of 8 and 9-yr olds on these overnight camping trips.  For every group that came for the week or two-weeks that they were there, all age groups had to take a camping night away.  We would take our group of girls to pick up our hiking packs, then in the afternoon we would go by the kitchen and get loaded up with our supplies (peanut butter and jelly sandwich makings, matches, toilet paper, bags, rope, cereal bars). It was a lot of supplies, on top of a sleeping bag for each kid and their own couple of supplies.  We would start hiking up the mountain, following the color tags on the trees.  The kids would be complaining and dragging behind.  It wasn't an easy hike - any of the times.  

The kids would have to squat to go pee and bury their toilet paper.  it was so gross though when, wherever the spot, the kids wouldn't have buried their toilet paper, so there would be some area where this was all these little pieces of toilet paper on the ground.  mind you, these are CITY KIDS!  very city kids!  inner-city kids as they are called. I remember having to insist that we would not leave until all the toilet paper was underground.  The ground wasn't exactly easy to dig holes in, but the idea was to take a twig to make a little hole and bury your used toilet paper.  ... so gross, right. 

I think over the summer, I had to do 3, maybe 4, of these trips.  Although I love camping, I have never been "into" squatting in the woods.  As it turns out, since doing yoga with my friend the last couple months, I realize that my legs/thighs/hip flexors (whatever) are not so stretchable for squatting so maybe this is why.  [my friend that I go to yoga with is asian, so she says squatting is in her genes even though my feet can't stay flat for any squatting yoga poses to save my life...i always have to use the cube to sorta sit on]  Of all the overnight camping trips over the summer, I would "hold it."  I would be thoughtful about what I ate/drank beforehand and maybe sometimes on the way back home early the next morning would be holding it, but no way would I be squatting in the woods. 

There were seriously bears in these woods, although, I never saw them, so we had to rope our food (high) into the tree so a bear couldn't eat our breakfast or our dinner. I thought that was just so handy, and it made me feel real legitimate to string the food into the tree.

Another funny memory from these days was being so freezing cold one night.  Middle of the night and my co-counselor, Rebecca and I were both FREEZING, SHIVERING cold....and so we did, the only possible thing that we could do..since we already had every piece of clothing and jackets on our bodies.  The two of us squished our bodies (hers much smaller than mine, mind you!) into one sleeping bag.  I mean that's a way to get up close and comfortable with your co-counselors!!  It was awkward, but the body heat did make us able to actually not be shivering from lips to toes.  

I also have this great camping memory from a trip the Gou and Twix and I went on in South Carolina (I think it was south carolina!)

Just working together to put a tent up gives such a feeling of accomplishment, or building a fire, catching a fish.  

Maybe the great thing about camping is because the rest of the world is sorta just stripped away.  You are out there in your one little square of dirt/trees with whatever you have there.  So much less distractions, just one thing to focus on, that which is at-hand.  Well and the river or the pool or however you are keeping cool.  

I find myself lately getting completely overwhelmed by all the things around to take my attention or distract me.  Some days I will just feel so discontent, like umm...what's the right word...just fidgety.   Happy, but just so many thoughts and ideas that I can't sit in my own mind peace.  is that weird?!  i kinda think it is, or maybe it's just this age or something.  

Anywho, maybe I need to pack my bags, find a subway to drop me in the middle of nowhere and go camping by myself or like one other person.  to just get away.  to clear my mind.  to sit in silence in my thoughts.  to be in a bigger space than my little studio or central park.  

oh yeah, I guess subways don't really make stops in the middle of nowhere.  need to rethink this plan.

 

Adele One and Only

I know after the Grammy's last week, EVERYONE is now on the Adele-boat.  If you didn't know her and love her before, you must now.

This song and version came across my Pandora today.
She is just brilliant.  Her voice - exceptional.

Naturally, omgosh I wish I had her accent.  It is so lovely!

Why do you think the Bristish singers crossover, but there aren't that many popular crossover French singers?  I'm going to ask my French coworker this tomorrow, or Lili who says everyone loves the French.  I wonder why there aren't as many French singers that make it huge in the U.S.  or maybe there are and I'm just not thinking of them.  All I can think of is Celine, but she is from Canada.

Last night when I was walking home from the bus stop, I briskly walked past this old Bristish man and he said to me "Hello, Love" in his kind accent.  I can't ignore these sorts of things, as I turned around like "Huh?" with a huge smile on my face.  these things make me laugh because I don't know what my reaction is supposed to be, but I can't ignore.  it was the best cat call I had ever gotten...as far as cat calls go.  He is lucky to have that accent and be able to say "hello, love" ...that is so much more endearing than "hey, baby!"

hope you enjoy this Adele tune.  I think I could listen over and over and over.  her voice is just so rich.

Saturday morning FAFSA PREP!

For the past couple of Saturdays, I have been participating in a NY Cares Volunteer project called FAFSA Prep.

Myself and a group of about 8 other volunteers go to high schools around the city to help graduating seniors and their parents fill out and submit their Fafsa forms.  The fafsa is the financial aid forms in which you can get money from the government to help you go to school for people that can't afford all of the costs of education.

I picked this project because I think it's absolutely life-changing.

My mom was working as a medical transcriptionist while I was growing up.  She made something like $25k or $28k annually with 3 kids in the house.  I think, at best, we received $1200/mth for child support from my dad who opted to not work or make very minimal so he wouldn't have to pay much child support.  So I guess that puts us up to an extra $14k or something.  Basically, there was just not a lot of money there for my family to put toward me to go to school.

I filled out the fafsa and received the maximum amount ..which was something like $4k per year to college expenses.  The fafsa also allows you to access government loans and work-study programs. It's giving people a chance to get an education, who for monetary reasons, could likely not afford to get that.  YAY, AMERICA!

Although, I still would have gone to school if I couldn't have got FAFSA money, it definitely changed the trajectory.  it changed what I was able to do and how bogged down I was (or wasn't) after I completed college.  Basically huge effects when you think about it!

So we were given a refresher, and have a manually, and each Saturday, spend 3 hours to sit with senior students and their mom and/or dad and help them fill in and submit all the information.

The first weekend was a school for asian studies on the lower east side!  the students and staff were just fantastic!!  high school seniors are just funny!  some of them still sooo awkward, but most of these kids were very nice.

The second school was up in the bronx.
The third school was an art and design school in midtown.
and today's school is in east harlem..i'll just get on the express bus and shoot up there.

some of the students bring their parents.  this is fun to see.  just to get a view of a family of these lives that are so different than mine.  I've never looked at a high school student from the view of their parent. or looked at the parent from the view of the high school student...with my 28yo eyes really behind both.

it's cute to see the parents so excited yet so unknowing.  A lot of these parents don't seem to be first generation Americans.  I've seen green cards and (some of) the students from the first school I met had only been in the states for a couple of years, before that were in China.

it makes me really happy to play a small part in this.  some of the kids whiz through the forms and for others we have to help them pull information off of their parents taxes or help them to understand why they wants to be considered a dependent..things like that.

I pray for some world-changers to be in this bunch.
i think education is so important.  it's a chance.  it's something that can never be taken away.  it's a hope for a better future.

excited to play a small part in  couple of kids finding their way to their future and being able to afford, if only a little better or a lot better, their way to it.

today is the last Saturday (i think it was supposed to be 8, but looks like just 4 or 5). hope you all are having a lovely Saturday!  XO XO

People of the Second Chance

via Twitter a while ago, I found this.  People of the Second Chance site / social media interaction thing.
potsc.com 

Their headline is "overthrow judgement. liberate love"

i love the idea, but it's a little...scary...or makes me question.

giving people or ourselves a second chance to me conjures up thoughts around if people have the ability to change.  I know mostly I seem happy and positive and glass half full, but unfortunately, I am a lot of glass half empty a lot of times.

By word, I believe that God has the power to change situations/lives/people and even bring things to life that were dead, but I don't always think and act that I believe this is true.

I want to believe that people can change, but mostly, if I'm being honest, most the time I think deep in the back of my head that this isn't true and that people mostly stay the same, stay in their situation, keep their same frame of mind.

in the bible, over and over, jesus gives second chances.  He changes lives and he answers prayers to change lives, or things in lives.  I mean, at the very heart of what I BELIEVE is GRACE.  God gives me an absurd amount of grace everyday (when I fail to trust him, when i blame Him) and ... recklessly, I am able to give this grace to others whom break trust or disappoint or who outright do me wrong.

i don't really check out this website, People of the Second Chance, often, but the line has stuck with me.  And now that I'm looking at the site...WOW.  ... if you don't want to read all the words below..scroll down for some pictures/words.

Here is some stuff from their site:

 WHO WE ARE
We are a global community of activists, imperfectionists and second chancers committed to unleashing radical grace everyday, in every moment, for everyone.


We challenge the common misconceptions about failure and success and stand with those who have hit rock bottom in their personal and professional lives. We are a community that is committed to stretch ourselves in the areas of relational forgiveness, personal transparency and advocate for mercy over judgment.


Founded in 2010, our organization is based in Southern California.


TARGET AUDIENCE
The message and mission of People of the Second Chance impacts a diverse group of people. We have listed below our target audience and those we intentionally engage.


1. You have survived or are currently going through a personal failure, crisis, addiction or loss.


2. You are a friend, spouse, family member or co-worker that is currently dealing with the ramifications of an individual’s betrayal or failure.


3. You need authentic community so that you can process your fears, hurts, failures and struggles.


4. You have experienced or you are currently seeking a powerful second chance moment that will radically alter your life and mission.


5. You want to boldly fight against a vulture culture that celebrates personal destruction, humiliation and the division of people.


6. You want to grow in the areas of relational and self-forgiveness and refuse to live as a powerless victim.


7.You are looking for a way to leverage your second chance story for a greater purpose to benefit others.





CHARACTER TRAITS
Our mission is to impact how we live and interact with each other. Our content seeks to develop the character traits below and define second chance people.


EMPATHY
You have a heartfelt connection to the pain and struggle of others. You bring comfort and not judgment. You are an effective heart handler to those who are hurting. As you help others you help yourself. You avoid selfishness.


TENACITY
You are steadfast and resilient when you feel like giving up on yourself and others. You stay the course and demonstrate grit and toughness even when it is difficult. Second chances can be a bumpy road that requires the determination to never give up.


COURAGE
You are willing to take risks and operate out of your personal comfort zone. The acts of grace and forgiveness require extreme bravery to surrender our rights to get even. Courage is required to live honestly, transparently and to have “everything in the light.”


PURPOSE
You live every moment and savor your existence knowing that your life impacts the world for the good. With purpose you can persevere. You set big goals and work hard to achieve them. Life is a gift from God so work hard to make the most of it. Your story doesn’t end in the valley.


HOPE
You embrace a hope that is a combination of optimism and realism. You comprehend that with failure comes loss but also is the seed for something better. Hope moves us to a place where healing can occur and has clear spiritual, psychological and physical benefits.

There is also great verbal art on labels...

these make you think...

i mean surely we've all labeled someone..

surely we've all been labeled...

"labels lie. don't accept them. don't use them."

this city continues opening my eyes to how, though our differences are so vast...that we are all the same.  we are all people w/ value that deserve love and hope.  what if everyone got this across their thick skulls??  what kind of a world could we live in?

Well, I’m sure you’ve been hanging in suspense. [insert standard sarcasm]

Well, I’m sure you’ve been hanging in suspense. [insert standard sarcasm]

I’m glad to report that this was a normal, not-creepy, enjoyable dinner. 

The guy is really funny and nice, and I sorta feel bad for being kinda mean in yesterday’s post. 

So he came out with his deal.  His story was that he met his wife when he was 24, they grew apart, tried to work through it, did counseling and the works, and basically just decided instead of drawing out and staying together for the 3 kids, they decided to “be adults about it” and go their separate ways amicably.  Apparently there is no ill-will, etc. it just is.  He moved out in June and the process is on it’s way.

There you have it. 

It makes me sad for that family and for those babies that grow up and wonder why one of their parents could possibly have made a decision to be away from them.  w/ the divorce rate what it is, I know there are and we are the product of a lot of this, and that there are lots of “well-adjusted” kids…it just is sad to me.

And I can’t really understand this whole thing because I’ve never been married, but the older that I get, I realize that everyone has their own truth.  It just is what it is.  (and I hate that saying) 

No less, I’m really glad I went to dinner.  We had a great time and my 9:30pm curfew that I told my roommate was not quite exact.  I think we left the restaurant at 10:45p almost closing it down after a bottle of wine, pizza shared cheese/prosciutto tray and of course a brownie sundae.  He drove me home and there you have it. 

It was Not awkward, not weird.  I know, I realize this is a shocker for me. 

…

So I get in this morning, and as I told my roommate.  He is looking to move jobs and is looking all over, so I don’t really think there is anything.  Not only could he be moving, but you know, there is still his other stuff to finish up.  So I was like, great, I don’t feel any pressure to have to be/do something else or get into something. And you know what, maybe I gave off enough of the commitment-phobe vibe that it’s just done. 

This morning I messaged him to say “it was fun. Thanks” 

More or less he said he wanted to take me out on a “date” as I made it clear this was not a date last night because I don’t date married dudes.  It was followed quickly by if you don’t want to, that’s fine, no hard feelings. 

Glad this was all over instant messenger. 

But again, with the truth, I was just like, sorry I don’t know what to say. 

Because I don’t.  he admits he has baggage… (and we all know much to my fortune/dismay depending on how you look at it, I’m carry-on only!).  I commented that wow, he gave me a really easy out.  He said no need for an answer right away.

And that is where that will sit.

I would hang out with him again.  I would go do stuff with him, but I don’t really want to “date” him per say. 

Also, how do you say…well, I couldn’t figure out how to say it, so I didn’t.  but como se dice…I think there is some lower hanging fruit you’d be better to go after.  I’m really high in the tree, and I don’t know that you’re prepared.  b/c God knows if I were you in your situation, I would be going nutso out on the town. 

Okay going to lunch . more thoughts to come. 

It's a KR specialty coming up....

You know.  It’s how only I can do it. 

Shaking my head.

I’m going to dinner with this guy tonight. 

Let me give you the short version of this not-so-interesting / mildly-pathetic story of my life.

Sometime, I guess early fall or over summer, this guy in the kitchen introduced himself to me.  We share a kitchen with another company that has about 60 employees.  It was a forward “I haven’t met you” sort of thing.  Besides the other receptionist I don’t really know the other people over there by name.  I have slowly come to know a few, but it’s more like just pleasantries in the kitchen, not actually knowing someone.  Anywho, I met him and thought, oh he’s good looking, no ring, friendly…cool. 

We had chatted in group conversation with some other people that I am friends with over there in passing.  Someone told him I went to Tech and we had some football convos as he went to a southern school and our teams played each other.  No thoughts over it really.  He had got my email so send me some football something so we had exchanged a couple fun emails. 

Over one of the tech games, he came by and said he would bet me.  He said If I won the bet that he would take me to the restaurant downstairs and buy me the most expensive drink.  I mulled it over and thought…”how is that me winning??!! You GET to buy me a drink if I win the bet??”  seemed off to me but whatever.  I told him if he won the bet, I would bring in baked goods w/ his team name on them.  the following Monday at work, one of our work friends asked if I had seen him to tell him I won the bet.  I nonchalantly said “no” and my friend said “oh  well, it’s Halloween, he is probably with his kids.  You know he has a bunch of kids, right?” 

I hoped I had hid the look of surprise on my face.   (remember this is the short version…I was really like WTF and then made up in my head all these scenarios of what happened to his perhaps deceased wife).  Of course, then, I look online to do some research.

Wow.  What a surprise.  Birth announcement for he and his wife for twins in august of 2010.   (remember, this is fall of 2011!!!)  wow, lifetime reality show of your wedding (unfortunately, I could not locate footage, but the show description is there).

He didn’t really push the “I owe you a drink thing” and instead I was sent a bottle of wine from his trip to Sonoma.  I thought this is great – I have wine, I don’t have to go for it, the bet is paid. We’re cool.

I play along with him and other of his coworkers in the lottery.  He will email me here or there.  Finds a reason to add me on i.m…

Now mind you, I am just as nice to him as anyone else.  I feel like I don’t know his situation so I will be kind and nice, yet appropriate.  I did ask one of my girlfriends over there what his deal is (but in the most indiscrete way) and she is like “yeah he is married and has kids, but he is really private about it.”

Oh yeah, he had still never mentioned his wife / kids.  One day we played lottery, just he and I on a ticket, and I told him “well, don’t think you’re getting more than half to take home to the family, just fyi” you know. Nudge, nudge,…I’m aware!! 

Yet, still no ring.  Still flirting with me. He told me about some wedding in the city he had to go to and made it a point to tell me that he and his friends were all going stag.  Someone was joking and went around the table saying “divorced, single, separated, single, ..” etc.  again, I take it to point out to me that he is SINGLE.  Shrug, whatever. 

I was invited to their company’s Christmas party by him and others but didn’t go.  A few weeks ago a guy over there was having a going-away party and he invited me to come.  I mean it’s not a huge deal, but I just thought ‘eh’  … okay at this point, he will im me and tell me how nice I look, but say it all like “not to be weird, but can I say something…”  flattery. Where do people THINK it is going to get them???

I agreed to come to the happy hour (with all the coworkers of the other company invited) but on the last day, I was just sorta thought I shouldn’t go.  We all know..well, some of you know how I get when I am drunk.  Fortunately, I am a fun drunk (not the whiny cry baby kind like this other assistant here), but I just told him honestly, “look, word on the street is you are married, so I’m not going to come and drink and say or do anything inappropriate.”  

I was super proud of myself for just saying the honest truth, you know, you're a nice guy but you're married and i don't want to be inappropriate - which to me, is the honest truth of it.  Those who know me, know that I was FLIPPING OUT just typing this into instant messenger to say, hey, I’m just not down for that.  He declares to me that no one knows and it is a secret, but that he and his wife are SEPARATED, etc. etc.

Okay. short end of it. Somehow I agreed on getting a drink with him.  I believe my comment after he asked me again and again about it was “yeah, you can buy me a drink and tell me just how MARRIED you are!!”  Which has turned into dinner tonight.  FML.

I have made it clear that I am no homewrecker. 

I know what you’re thinking WTF, KR!!! 

I know. 

God help me to go in and just be me – which is someone of high value and character. 

I’m trying to be someone that doesn’t just put a STAMP on people. Like you are THIS and write them off.  This thought though has brought me into some realities with other friendships that I have condemned or judged others in situations.  It has definitely opened my eyes to just the difficulty in life and standing in others shoes and how we automatically assume and judge.  we categorize people and we make excuses.

That said, I’m not considering ANYTHING with this person.  Eye roll.  I know. I know what you’re thinking and I’m thinking the same thing.  Dummy.  Oh and he is not as young as he originally looked either.  I think he is 36 or 38. 

I’m having 2 drinks. That’s it. Hope to be home by 9:30p and done with it. 

I can be friends with the guy and will be very curious to see how far along this separation thing is.  The other thing in this whole thing is how HIGHLY I hold the vows of marriage.  I will likely shamelessly plug that he should get back this his wife.  I’ll be curious if he says he cheated or if the grass is just greener.  I can’t imagine he would admit to me that he cheated.  But I also can’t imagine a mom with toddlers and a 6-yr old cheating on her hubby.

There are so many other thoughts that have been in my mind here.  Like how I would not want my husband talking to or taking some lil girl out for drinks.  Seriously It makes me wanna vomit to think of me being this cute, young thing building some asshole dad’s ego. 

But whatever, I’ll go to dinner.  He is funny so hopefully it will be entertaining.  2 drinks and I’m done. 

I also felt bad or shameful like telling my friends this, that I agreed to go to dinner.  Part of me thinks that’s enough to just not go, but the other part of me feels like I agreed to go because I don’t want to assume all these things or what someone is or isn’t...BUT I wanted to be honest with you, my blog readers.

…and….

…I know how much the people love me in awkward not-date situations, so folks , you might get a great one after tonight.

Lastly, I watched how to lose a guy in 10 days on valentine’s day.  I have considered pulling a “how to get rejected from a guy after one dinner” card.  Maybe start crying and say “why do you think I’m fat.”  Just go nutso a-la josh miller picnic, but way worse and psycho-like.  Gosh I would love to do that.  If I had a friend that could film it, I totally would.  

So it’s the sort of situation, only-me.  Jeez louise. 

I also woke up with hearts all over my face (literally) because I had drawn a pink heart on my hand and slept on it and I had 3 perfect pink hears on my face and neck. Then I burned my hand with the curling iron. Then I spilled sugar all over the kitchen. Then I spilled my coffee. Then my magazine (which I wasn’t aware had coffee on it) imprinted the ink into the barstool.  Then I was steaming my silk shirt in a rush out and burnt my neck.  Thin red vertical burn line on my chest/neck.  All before 9.  … good luck to this guy cause today has been pretty shitty. 

Okay, really lastly, I am dressed like I am going on an interview (sans the jacket) as to not be inappropriately dressed.  I thought it’s the next best thing to a moo moo, basically because I don’t own a moo-moo.

Okay, gotta go.  

1 Hour of Volunteerism vs. 1 Hour with your Shrink

Now, you all know that I am no psychiatrist.  I have no degrees in the human brain and have not done any elaborate research projects on what makes people tick.

That said, I really think that someone should do some research around this....

One of the bosses in my office, the French man, whom also sits directly behind me with the only separation being half a wall and glass, always has a private (or locked in microsoft outlook) appointment for every other week, or once a month or whatever.  I never asked what this was because I assume that's why he has it marked as private, but he says every time, "alright, I've got to go see my shrink."

I laugh every time, not because I think it's that funny that he is going to it, but that it's called a "shrink" and that is so very new York city or L.A.!  People in the south don't say "I'm going to the shrink," they say "i'm going to my counselor (or therapist or psychologist or something)."  I really hope he doesn't think that I'm laughing because he goes, it's just when he says it.  And then his partner that he started the company with knows too (I guess it's not really that private) so when he mentions "Oh, he is at the shrink" ..again laughter.

Anywho.  He went to visit his shrink this week.  Naturally, when a person is getting "help" you are curious what it is for.  I didn't even wonder because I automatically assume it's to discuss the issues with his parents he has...you know the dad who is on his 3rd or 4th marriage and has children (mind you this man is early 40's) who are elementary age with his young current wife.  [his dad, not him, this guy is single and when I asked him why he said something to the extent of his family doesn't really have a very good track record with marriage]  I imagine he goes to be able to talk to someone about life struggles and whatever.  Now that I'm writing I guess he could be going because he has a sex/drug/porn addiction.  Who knows.  Let's assume it's the former.  Just the general "I've been wronged, help me work through the emotional damage that  my very well-off upbringing brought to me."  And relationship issue, that is definitely a part too (in my mind.)

I got to thinking this week when he went, you know, how much better would he be served emotionally, spiritually, physically if he went and volunteered for that one hour instead of spending it with the shrink.

If he went and spent it with the aid/hiv guests that live in the Rivingdale house where Katie and I went to help them play bingo the other Friday.  A quarter of the 50 or 60 people that filled the room were in wheelchairs because their disease was getting the best of them.  They all looked like they had been "ridden hard and put up to dry" (as Natalie would say).  They were very sweet people but just in such a sad situation living with an incurable disease.  In our world's standard today and certainly by New York City standards, they are the low of the low.  Several of them also looked to have additional mental or physical handicaps.

I thought to myself when a person spends an hour with these people, their problems/issues/struggles quickly evaporate.  These people, most of them, don't have the ability to make any other way about life.  When we played bingo, they were glad to win these dumb little trinket (treasures) off the cart that included everything from a pair of jeans (non-designed mind you!), a beanie hat, makeup/perfume samples, and other donated items.

I think it could just be so eye-opening for a person like this that needs a shrink to discuss their woes to go for one hour and serve someone else with legitimate physical and mental, very apparent, incurable woes.

What would that look that?  How could that change a person's life? How would he come back from his session if he spent it this way?  Or spent it with children at the Ronald Mcdonald House?  or spent his hour handing out food to the poor?  What would the effect of that "shrinkage" be?

I know the feeling and results of serving others.  It's humbling, sometimes difficult, but always, always more rewarding to serve other people.

This guy seems to be very (whatever that means) charitable, but there is a difference between writing a check to art museums and film foundations and coming eye to eye with human beings that have such deep struggle and need...and perhaps the utter realization that we are all the same too.  That the executive with their deep-seeded struggles is the same as the human being that sits in that aids home.  just a person that has hopes and wants things but has to deal with and struggle through whatever life they have been given.  This also then strips away at the eliteness, the TOP 1%, that this brand of people have, if they were to learn that when you take away the asset comparisons, the educations, the differences in bank account number, the amount of international travel...strip it all away...and...well, you're not that special.  we are all the same.  we're just people trying to do life the best with what we've been given.

If he were to trade in his Shrink-hour for a midday volunteer-hour, I would think that he could not come back to the office without a posture of utter gratefulness and delight for the life that he has.  Or maybe at the beginning, at least a lot to think about.  Yes, his life is stressful.  Yes, I'm sure it's difficult in ways - even (and maybe even more so) for a person who has always had great assets...but then it's broken down, and we realize it's just life.  Precious life that we have been blessed with and perhaps he could look around and see the abundance that he has been blessed with.  (not that I don't think he could be partially grateful, but I could imagine that at many points in life when the card you're dealt is son to a majorly successful music mogul the poor-me list that is in the mind could be long).

I wish some of my coworkers would experience serving others.  The life change that would ensue I could only imagine as being just that...absolutely life changing.  But maybe that's just it, I imagine that in itself would be very scary.  It takes courage to do something or experience something that is going to change everything about your life.  I think this experience over a few times (i.e. volunteering or trading out an hour with the shrink for an hour of volunteering) could completely change the way a person interacts and experiences the world around them. I think for the better.

So that is my hypothesis. If there is a shrink or counselor or psychologist out there willing to try it, let me know!

Why I was asking a stranger “Why do you HATE ME?!” as I walked across Union Square to go to Pilates.

Whats up party people.  Let’s see how much I can write before someone or some call bothers me! 

I was on my way to Pilates class at the 21^st street gym today when I was approached by one of these Children International people.  Assuming you don’t know, these “kids” in their mid-twenties usually stand in Union Square or on the sidewalk of nearby streets where I work to try to get passer-byers to give money to sponsor a child.   These people usually stand right in your path, or like to say “hello” like they know you.  They have very sneaky ways to get your attention or try to talk to you. 

Unfortunately, today, I was not quite bitchy-looking enough to not be approached.

This guy came up to me spitting his game “hello, miss. Do you have a moment?  You look like you care about people. …”

I tell him “no thanks”  over and over as he is still rattling on sentences about his presumptions about the kind of person I am and why that would mean I would want to give money to his cause.  [fully understanding, these people are peddlers, they are not doing this out of mission, clearly, they make a cut off of what they get people to sign up for]

As for most situations when I am uncomfortable, I went with awkwardness.  Mind you, I had my headphones in for all of this.  I guess my problem was eye contact in the first place?!  It’s just not my style to not look people in the eye – in the south – we call this manners. 

As he continues to rattle on, and we walk faster and faster, I think at this point I’ve already told him I’m on my way to Pilates and won’t be stopping.  I just started telling him “I don’t understand.  Why do you hate Me?”  he would NOT leave me alone.

Then once he reached the street on the other side and I was continuing to go, it was like he hit an electric fence and turned away.  As I continue to rush to get away from him and to get to pilates on time, I notice that I was rushing so much I spilt my tea all over my pants.

SERIOUSLY, DUDE??!!  REALLY??!!  UGH!! 

And WTF. Why. Always. Me?  You know, the crazies like me.  It’s just what it is.

I went to Pilates.  It’s actually now Pilates Barre.  The teacher is cool.  She sorta sings everything she asks you to do in a soothing way.  It helps to hold the strength building exercise when she is singing “and one and two and hold it, hold it”  (to her own tune!)  It was hard and I still can’t do a real push up.  WHAT GIVES?!  Also, there was one boy in the class, like a strong boy, he looked like he could have played football or something.  Coolest guy in the gym, I think, to come to pilates with the ladies!  Good for him!  And I should say so.

After Pilates, I thought there was no way possible for this guy to notice me walking back across.  OH BUT HE DID.  He walked me halfway down the street where my office is.  I had this moment when I thought, oh no, is he going to walk me all the way to my service elevator..how awkward will that be??!! 

In his harassing of me, I told him that I do sponsor a child but would never do it through them.  [I mean it’s kinda despicable to me..i know it’s just his job to make money…but the idea of harassing people like this is just not bringing dignity to their cause and to the cause of helping children in foreign countries].  I told him “I just feel so sorry for you, because you aren’t going to get anything from me.”  Then he stopped, finally getting my words, and maybe that “electric fence” kicked in.  Then I said “Have a great day!”

Weird.  What am I to do??  It’s not like I started talking to him or anything. Oh well, maybe I’m the only person in an hour or 4 that actually responded back to what he was saying with words instead of completely ignoring him. 

Next time, I will just ask a million questions to find out what exactly is up with these people.  Maybe he is an actor.  Maybe he is an orphan.  I don’t know! 

I hope you’re having a great day.  And I hope you haven’t had to ask anyone why they hate you. 

my mom's new grandchildren

I'm pretty certain I haven't written about this, it's sorta a long, ongoing story.  

My mom has a boyfriend.  He is this Jewish dude that she met at Lowe's.  He went to high school with my dad (small town weirdness).  He looks very old, but my mom thinks he is just the bees knees. 

I met him at Christmas.  He is really quiet.  

I am pretty "whatever" about the situation.  I want my mom to be happy, but my mom seems to be one of these girls that doesn't make the best relationship-guy choices.  It's quite hypocritical because my mom is pretty set in her beliefs.  She has nagged my cousins, my brothers about dating people with not the same beliefs and how she believes this isn't a good thing.  I mean, afterall, her and my dad, though their divorce had nothing to do with their differences, they were on entirely different planes as it came to faith thus family choices. 

I confronted my mom a while back about her choice, basically, just asking her to own up to the hypocritical-ness and asking if she really thought this was the most brilliant idea.  She likes to say "i know we could never get married".  HELLO! he is a strict Jew (follows the eating, pays to go to jewish temple, the works) which would mean he couldn't marry a christian.  Of course, my mom as a christian supposedly believes that one should not be "unequally yoked" by marrying a person that doesn't follow the ways of Jesus like she does.    

there is more ODD backstory.  He is divorced, supposedly his wife got on drugs and left his family.  There are some other odd things that sorta don't add up, but that's for another time if I feel like it's worth my time to rehash, but right now, not really.  I chalk it up that parents are people that make good and poor decisions but they are just people!  

I don't get on the phone or skype and talk to her boyfriend.  That is not my thing.  I'm not there and frankly, I don't need to love him or be best friends with him.  I'm not the one dating the guy.  

My mom keeps trying to tell me about his kids' kids.  At Christmas when I was about to leave, she was like "i wish you could have met [blah, blah insert kids' names].  I said "why?" 

now today my mom is sending me iphone video of her boyfriend's grandchildren.  

umm. what am I supposed to do with these? 

why do I want to see these?  =====> don't.  

i replied "i'm glad you found some grandchildren." 

i mean, really...what else am I supposed to say? 

neither of my brothers are married or have kids, so I guess she is participating in the build-a-family program.  It's sorta like build-a-bear but it hasn't hit retail yet.  

Love and Writing. Writing and Love.

I miss.  Miss miss miss. Writing.

I miss documenting these days.  And I miss doing these days with you. 

I have 4, no count 5, papers sitting on my desk that need my attention, but let’s say I will do them when I get done HERE.

This week has been kinda odd and sad.  Just “one of those weeks.”  Today is better since I have these 

...staring at me in the face.

Do you ever have days when you just want someone to care?  To care that you’re having a bad day.  And maybe that’s not specific enough.  I want A.) a boy to care and want to make me feel better.  I know that I am so blessed with friends that care, but this week has just been like, eeks! I work with these people, they still don’t know much of anything about me and they really don’t care.  They are dudes.  The 2 girls that I work with are nice, but I don’t work WITH them most of the time.  I was just feeling like, I take care of these guys and their schedules and EVERYTHING all the time, can someone please notice that I’m having a bad day?  I realize it’s a lot to ask and it’s quite needy of me and it’s not their job.  It IS my job to tend to their every stupid need.

Then it makes me ponder people and how we expect people to love who have never known love.  I mean really. 

Several of these rich people.   I don’t know if they know love.   When your parent is an investor first, how do you attach significance and love to that.  (and by investor I mean, millions of dollars)  One of the guys, whose dad is an investor (and several of them are) I asked what he was getting his dad for Christmas.  I was sincerely curious what you get someone for Christmas who has owned a penthouse suite at the Plaza Hotel.  Designer hand soap?  Cufflinks? Vacation packages?  He scoffed and said “I’m not getting him ANYTHING!” 

This made me think how convoluted these relationships must be when you don’t actually like or care about your dad, but there is a social/official relationship and a business relationship.  Very sad in my mind.  I mean I for a lot of reasons have to not like my dad, but it’s never an option to not get someone a gift for Christmas. 

[just went to get drinks for guests and thought how horrid if I left this on my desktop and someone saw it….! Good thing that didn’t happen!!]

Anywho, I’ve just been thinking how it is that we ask people to love, expectantly in an unconditional, supernatural way, but how we are just people dealing with people who only have whatever example or footprint of love that they have been shown. 

In my experiences and interactions, the people I work with are all very self-centered.  #1 is most important.  Most of their attention and value is placed on other people who can offer the MOST and who are the most rich.  They go out of their way for people who will add value to them and no more. 

This is the New York way and the world way.  It just is what it is.

The God I serve teaches that we are all human and created equal and all have the same value.  So, in theory, I treat the dumb/smart, rich/poor, sweetheart/asshole the same way.  Value them the same.  Serve them the same.  Care about them equally. 

I try my darndest day in and day out to live by the rules that I have chosen to follow.  Some days I need divine intervention to do this. 

I know God loved the best out of anyone.  He created us on Earth, we continue(d) to pull away and do our own thing and make our own way even when He is the great Father who wants best for His children, we still do our own.  He sent Jesus to love us like crazy and still we can’t figure out as people if we believe this is true.  God loved us to sacrifice Jesus.  If you believe this is true, then you would agree, this is the craziest, most divine voucher of love existent.  We have this love available to us, no exclusion or any group or person.  So I try to know love as close as can be.  Though God probably laughs in heaven at my simple, poor thoughts of love.  God loves me daily and protects me and yet I still worry and fear and don’t trust.   I believe and feel this is the truest love there is that I try to imitate and want to receive from people back.  But then you realize that some people are just not capable.  I am incapable as well. 

LOVE is such a thick word to use in the context of a professional environment, but I think loving people can look a lot of ways.  It is respect.  It is putting others’ needs before yourself.  It is caring.  It is kindness.  It is acknowdgement.  It is seeing others as equal human beings. 

I guess this week, I just wanted love to look like one of the people I work for noticing that I was having a bad week.  and I wouldn’t be made if that love looked like a bouquet of flowers, or a nonfat latte, or an encouraging ecard.  Shrugs.  But how am I to expect this when your main exchange of love is monetary.  I didn’t really want an extra check and seeing as how I got my bonus last week – they might think they loved me quite a lot for one month or for the whole year.   

Alright, this has been far more than intentioned time.  Thanks for reading. 

I bought myself flowers and a hot fudge sundae yesterday and listened to some empowering music over my lunch break to remind me who is the only one who will ever love me enough to fill the void in my soul – that is just some days bigger than others.