Love and Writing. Writing and Love.

I miss.  Miss miss miss. Writing.

I miss documenting these days.  And I miss doing these days with you. 

I have 4, no count 5, papers sitting on my desk that need my attention, but let’s say I will do them when I get done HERE.

This week has been kinda odd and sad.  Just “one of those weeks.”  Today is better since I have these 

...staring at me in the face.

Do you ever have days when you just want someone to care?  To care that you’re having a bad day.  And maybe that’s not specific enough.  I want A.) a boy to care and want to make me feel better.  I know that I am so blessed with friends that care, but this week has just been like, eeks! I work with these people, they still don’t know much of anything about me and they really don’t care.  They are dudes.  The 2 girls that I work with are nice, but I don’t work WITH them most of the time.  I was just feeling like, I take care of these guys and their schedules and EVERYTHING all the time, can someone please notice that I’m having a bad day?  I realize it’s a lot to ask and it’s quite needy of me and it’s not their job.  It IS my job to tend to their every stupid need.

Then it makes me ponder people and how we expect people to love who have never known love.  I mean really. 

Several of these rich people.   I don’t know if they know love.   When your parent is an investor first, how do you attach significance and love to that.  (and by investor I mean, millions of dollars)  One of the guys, whose dad is an investor (and several of them are) I asked what he was getting his dad for Christmas.  I was sincerely curious what you get someone for Christmas who has owned a penthouse suite at the Plaza Hotel.  Designer hand soap?  Cufflinks? Vacation packages?  He scoffed and said “I’m not getting him ANYTHING!” 

This made me think how convoluted these relationships must be when you don’t actually like or care about your dad, but there is a social/official relationship and a business relationship.  Very sad in my mind.  I mean I for a lot of reasons have to not like my dad, but it’s never an option to not get someone a gift for Christmas. 

[just went to get drinks for guests and thought how horrid if I left this on my desktop and someone saw it….! Good thing that didn’t happen!!]

Anywho, I’ve just been thinking how it is that we ask people to love, expectantly in an unconditional, supernatural way, but how we are just people dealing with people who only have whatever example or footprint of love that they have been shown. 

In my experiences and interactions, the people I work with are all very self-centered.  #1 is most important.  Most of their attention and value is placed on other people who can offer the MOST and who are the most rich.  They go out of their way for people who will add value to them and no more. 

This is the New York way and the world way.  It just is what it is.

The God I serve teaches that we are all human and created equal and all have the same value.  So, in theory, I treat the dumb/smart, rich/poor, sweetheart/asshole the same way.  Value them the same.  Serve them the same.  Care about them equally. 

I try my darndest day in and day out to live by the rules that I have chosen to follow.  Some days I need divine intervention to do this. 

I know God loved the best out of anyone.  He created us on Earth, we continue(d) to pull away and do our own thing and make our own way even when He is the great Father who wants best for His children, we still do our own.  He sent Jesus to love us like crazy and still we can’t figure out as people if we believe this is true.  God loved us to sacrifice Jesus.  If you believe this is true, then you would agree, this is the craziest, most divine voucher of love existent.  We have this love available to us, no exclusion or any group or person.  So I try to know love as close as can be.  Though God probably laughs in heaven at my simple, poor thoughts of love.  God loves me daily and protects me and yet I still worry and fear and don’t trust.   I believe and feel this is the truest love there is that I try to imitate and want to receive from people back.  But then you realize that some people are just not capable.  I am incapable as well. 

LOVE is such a thick word to use in the context of a professional environment, but I think loving people can look a lot of ways.  It is respect.  It is putting others’ needs before yourself.  It is caring.  It is kindness.  It is acknowdgement.  It is seeing others as equal human beings. 

I guess this week, I just wanted love to look like one of the people I work for noticing that I was having a bad week.  and I wouldn’t be made if that love looked like a bouquet of flowers, or a nonfat latte, or an encouraging ecard.  Shrugs.  But how am I to expect this when your main exchange of love is monetary.  I didn’t really want an extra check and seeing as how I got my bonus last week – they might think they loved me quite a lot for one month or for the whole year.   

Alright, this has been far more than intentioned time.  Thanks for reading. 

I bought myself flowers and a hot fudge sundae yesterday and listened to some empowering music over my lunch break to remind me who is the only one who will ever love me enough to fill the void in my soul – that is just some days bigger than others.