Why Blood Sausage, White Wine, Fine Italian Cheese and a Male Turbokick Instructor in a Blonde Wig DON’T MIX.

Omgosh. Yall.

I might vomit just writing this post. 

Last night, we (the office) went out to drinks at this new rooftop restaurant Birreria (sorry, just took a minute to go write a bad yelp review for them – the customer service was horrendous and the staff was incompetent) above Eataly, supposedly a Mario Batali restaurant…I’m told.    Our intern’s last day is Friday so this was a going away party.  I had committed to going, but also wanted to attend my turbokick class at 8pm at the gym because I missed it last week and it is such a good cardio workout. 

I determined in advance that I would have 1 drink, that’s it, then I’d go to class.

I had one glass of wine, that was actually quite good.  They ordered a cheese tray, a sliced meat (pork?) tray and sausage-y tray. 

The blood sausage looked like a brownie patty.  I took a try before I asked what it was called.  It looked like this. 

from this site: 

Blood sausage has a long and noble history in Ireland, Iceland, Portugal, Romania, Sweden, Estonia, Italy, Spain, Finland, France, Germany, China, Tibet, Uruguay, and many other countries where they don’t pretend meat comes from a supermarket.

The basic recipe for blood sausage is to fry up some onions, spices, rice, and chile peppers, and then add blood which you boil until it congeals. Coagulation, a trait blood possesses which helps you not bleed to death from a paper cut, is also handy for cooking. It is hard to make a good raspberry jam, for example, because raspberries don’t have enough pectin to get satisfyingly gloopy when you stew them. Blood is the ultimate thickener.

[visual my hand is now over my mouth from reading this. that is disgusting. vomit vomit vomit.]

whatever. moving on.  

The cheeses were delicious, and perhaps my unlikely saving grace may have been the 2 slices of french bread I consumed.  This was all fine last night BEFORE I went to turbokick. 

I participated in some mildly entertaining conversation with my coworkers.  they were laughing about midgets, which always makes me miss Keri and Zach, my last clients, because they really loved midgets. 

At about 7:40, I was sitting at a table with just the guys, they were talking about bachelor parties, it was time for me to go to 8pm turbokick. 

I scurry to the gym, which fortunately, is on that block.

About 10 minutes in to the "cat fight" as the turbokick instructor calls it, I knew this was a very bad idea.  

I don't think I've told yall about Turbokick.  The instructor is this very crazy, feminine, chinese dude with a thick accent. He is CRAZAY.  He just tries to explain to new people what it is, and you can see in the girls' eyes that they, like me on my first time, have absolutely no clue what he is rattling off about.  He will say "this isn't kickboxing.  this is more a CAT FIGHT!! okay? ok."  

He is the taller version of the Martin Short character in Father of the Bride, but in bicycle shorts and a tight shirt.  

I pushed through the workout yall, but it was BAD, so very BAD.  There were only 3 of us in the class. One girl was new.  3/4's of the way through the class, for one song, he puts on this blonde pigtail wig for the whole routine.  The girl was literally laughing out loud.  I love it. so funny.  and so funny to see people's reactions.  It kinda makes you feel like you're on candid camera - like is this serious, as he throws his lanky body around for the moves.  then for the part where you, well, he, turns and slaps his ass. that just puts ya over the edge. 

I do get kinda embarrassed for myself though when he can move faster than me.  He is hardcore. 

It was all I could do to make it through the class.  I left in pain and not feeling well.

This is what my glamorous new york city nights are filled with.  I got home, showered and got horizontal as fast as I possibly could.  

this was a very very bad idea.  the next time you're faced with this situation.  pick one.  pick the flamboyant, passionate, not understandable kickbox instructor OR the cheese/wine.  I don't recommend ever picking the blood sausage in the future.  and I absolutely do not recommend partaking in all of these together.